Growing Up ; Eighteen

Hi and Assalamualaikum. It's been a while since I wrote my last blog post. It's not because I don't want to, it's mostly cos nothing interesting has been really happening lately. 

When we were little kids, we got jealous with adults. When I was 7 and eight y.o, I feel so amazed when  I looked at high school brothers and sisters, I feel like damn, why their life are perfect? They looked very beautifu and gorgeous. And I tried acting like an adult, didn't want to wear kids attire. Okay, fine. It's too BENGONG. But there are still have bad and good being a teenager. Fair right?

Part of growing up is dicscovering who you are. By eighteen, knowing what you like and dislike is a rite of passage. You have a pretty clear idea of how you ike to be treated and how to treat others. Until now I am still me who is so shy to make out new friends but I am not kind of "SOMBONG". Now, I have to pretend the whole thing that I'm okay. 

First, Oh Allah in this year, I hope I can stop loving, caring about him. And stop liking and admiring boys who I gave my love to borrow but they just gave it away. Gahh. I'm sick of that kind phenomena. Liking someone but he doesn't reply it back. Bukan tu je, even orang pandang pun tanak. Sadlife of me. Dah penat la.

Second, truth be told, I'm a low-self-esteem person. I always see me not pretty like everyone else. That's why, I'm afraid to make new friends especially towards boys. I'll  try to avoid talking with other gender. I'm weak in communication skills too.

"Malas la nak cakap dengan budak ni. Nanti mesti dia pikir aku ni tergedik. Nanti mesti dia cakap, dah la tak cantik ade hati nak bual dengan aku." - what i always think before talking to someone.

I'm just tired mentally and physically drained, sometimes I just don't know what to do any more. I'm sick of this life sometimes. My friends always boost up my mentality by saying I have to try to be a talkative person and just throw away my shyness far far away from myself. I think if I'm being a talkative person, fake and drama will dominate myself. And I'm sorry I just can't push myself to do something I don't like.

NOTE : It's hard to grow up where you never feel you're pretty enough.